Last summer when my energy was faltering, after a number of seemingly strong months in my body, a teacher of mine said to me, “Jasmine, you are ready for real disappointment in exchange for real understanding.”
Over the course of the next few months I found myself almost full-time in bed, unable to work, unable to stay living where I was living, and losing important relationships in my life. The disappointments were piling up. And in the midst of this a shift happened; I realized, not for the first time, but with much deeper acceptance, that this was where I was, and that I could either start paying very close attention to what the moment called for, or I could suffer.
I was pretty clear in that moment I would be suffering either way, that there was no way for me to escape my circumstances, that in fact I’d been here before and trying to get away for where I was had not diminished my challenges, but had exacerbated them.
In particular, this clarity came around my physical experience. Aches and pain, exhaustion and an over stimulated nervous system were my dominant experience. I realized I needed to learn to live with this, to allow my life to be rich and full and include this experience, as oppose to thinking life would begin more fully once this experience was finished. I was more than ever willing to explore the question, “Where am I?” and with that willingness accept the answers.
I was very clear with myself, this was not about being resigned to this physical experience or any unpleasant circumstances, but being willing to explore it, be present to it, and find out where I am within it. I was still going to doctors and seeking out help to understand and strengthen and heal my physical being. But my orientation had shifted; the movement within was less and less one of avoidance, and more and more one of willingness.
And in this willingness possibility opens. When we are standing where we are, and our eyes and ears are open to this, when we are acknowledging our limitations and noticing what is present, possibility meets us. We can begin to explore and acknowledge and accept our options. When we are unaware of how we are leaning toward what we want, or leaning away from what we dislike, or avoiding, or hiding, or grabbing, or resisting, it becomes much harder to center ourselves, stand with our feet on the earth, our senses open and see the horizon.
When the wise teachers say, “Have a cup of tea.” In part they are saying, “Be with yourself where you are. Meet yourself here before you try to figure out where you are going.” Life is a constant motion of awaring, or where we are-ing. Where we are is a verb.
Over the course of the next few months I found myself almost full-time in bed, unable to work, unable to stay living where I was living, and losing important relationships in my life. The disappointments were piling up. And in the midst of this a shift happened; I realized, not for the first time, but with much deeper acceptance, that this was where I was, and that I could either start paying very close attention to what the moment called for, or I could suffer.
I was pretty clear in that moment I would be suffering either way, that there was no way for me to escape my circumstances, that in fact I’d been here before and trying to get away for where I was had not diminished my challenges, but had exacerbated them.
In particular, this clarity came around my physical experience. Aches and pain, exhaustion and an over stimulated nervous system were my dominant experience. I realized I needed to learn to live with this, to allow my life to be rich and full and include this experience, as oppose to thinking life would begin more fully once this experience was finished. I was more than ever willing to explore the question, “Where am I?” and with that willingness accept the answers.
I was very clear with myself, this was not about being resigned to this physical experience or any unpleasant circumstances, but being willing to explore it, be present to it, and find out where I am within it. I was still going to doctors and seeking out help to understand and strengthen and heal my physical being. But my orientation had shifted; the movement within was less and less one of avoidance, and more and more one of willingness.
And in this willingness possibility opens. When we are standing where we are, and our eyes and ears are open to this, when we are acknowledging our limitations and noticing what is present, possibility meets us. We can begin to explore and acknowledge and accept our options. When we are unaware of how we are leaning toward what we want, or leaning away from what we dislike, or avoiding, or hiding, or grabbing, or resisting, it becomes much harder to center ourselves, stand with our feet on the earth, our senses open and see the horizon.
When the wise teachers say, “Have a cup of tea.” In part they are saying, “Be with yourself where you are. Meet yourself here before you try to figure out where you are going.” Life is a constant motion of awaring, or where we are-ing. Where we are is a verb.
This post is part of the series Planting the Seeds of Listening and includes the post What is Most Important?, Marrying the Heart, What Am I?, and Eating The Watermelon.
