On Love and Not Caring What the Back Story Is

My back seized up two weeks ago pinching my sciatic nerve. I can’t describe this pain, but if I were to paint it I would use intense primary colors.

This pain was bold. And big. And left me shaken and fierce.

Now many days later I’m still in discomfort, but with only moments and waves of pain. I walk very carefully. I reach out for things to hold onto. I limp along. I lie on the floor.

I arc through acceptance, anger, and awe.

And right now I don’t care if this is caused by past trauma or unresolved anger or latent emotional issues or eating too much wheat or affixing myself to the universal pain body.

I don’t care about coming up with answers, with looking for the cause or the story as a way of defending my state or trying to distance from my pain, or fixing it, or eliminating it, or teaching myself a lesson.

The only story I’m interested in is a story of curiosity, of open ended listening.

Because my body is not an object for manipulation. It is alive and I love it.

That is it. That is the WHOLE BACK STORY. I love my damaged back. I care so wholly for my body, I love it so much that I will go with it where ever it goes—into pain and joy and death, into stories and the end of stories.

Am I frustrated? Hell yeah.

Do I want my body to be healed and strong and mobile? Definitely.

Am I willing to change my diet, unearth old wounds, build new resources to support the well being of this living creature that I am? Of course.

But I won’t go to war with my body. I won’t fight her and I won’t lay trips on her about what she did wrong or how she could do better, because I love her. I just do. Not because she is good or together or capable or understandable or sexy or strong, but because she is mine to love, mine to nurture, to sooth, and to delight.

I will listen to her, always returning to this, even when I forget or we argue, I’ll come back and I’ll apologize.

Because love is here.

It is not my work to fix my body. It is my work to care for my body. It is not my work to solve my problems. It is my work to meet my challenges, confusions, tragedies, difficulties, and disasters with love.

And what is true for our relationship with ourself can be true for how we approach all our other relationships as well.

To hear a brilliant speech on love and the grave dangers of a life lived only “liking” in this techno-consumerism world of ours, you can click here and listen to novelist Jonathan Franzen’s commencement speech at Kenyon College. Or you can read the edited text version here that appeared as an op-ed piece in the New York Times.

If you want to nurture a fierce and loving relationship with yourself hire me. I’ll help.

Share...
  • Print
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • email

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Mark June 4, 2011 at 8:43 am

Good morning, Ms. Jasmine. So, your backstory reminds me of Evy McDonald’s story and how she healed herself from Lou Gerhig’s disease. The disease killed Lou, but not Evy. It brought her to love and forgiveness and compassion. Just like much of your suffering appears to be bringing you. How magically cool is that?

http://www.gregtamblyn.com/blog/2010/04/23/six-months-to-live-the-story-of-evy-mcdonald/

XOXOX
Mark

P.S. Thanks for the Franzen pointer.

Reply

Jasmine June 4, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Mark,

I am transformed by that post you sent me. Synchronicity. I’ve been exploring the powers of mirrors of late. As well as the power of love.

Love, Jazzy

Reply

marlene June 7, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Jazz,
Someday I’d love to talk with you about Evy’s healing…..

Haven’t forgotten about your letter…soon!

xo,
Marlene

Reply

Leave a Comment

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.

Previous post:

Next post: